Some days ago, while missing my husband during his long and tedious set of night shifts…I sent him a love letter of sorts. I wanted him to know how much I love him, how much I was missing him and so much more. I realize this is deeply personal and intimacies of this nature may scare some of you away…but for us, this is everyday. This is our life, our love and part of what has made our marriage work so well. As we sit on the cusp of 13 years married, words are important; on paper and spoken, face to face or any other way. Please read…and then tell the person who holds your heart, just how much you love them.
Ever so often…my clock begins ticking. Frantic and internal; the words must leave my head, the voices must be quieted to a faint whisper and the weight becomes far too heavy for my chest to breathe beneath, any longer.
I must write. I must speak with the written word, directly spoken from the voices deep inside my heart. These voices drive my mouth to speak, my hands to feel and my heart to become deeply entwined with another human being.
I am insanely and almost overwhelmingly consumed these days…with love. Head over heels, deep underwater, can’t eat, can’t sleep, earth shaking, possibly impossible, perfectly imperfect…LOVE. The kind of love that takes away every breath you could ever hope to have. The kind of love you could lose ages of sleep over…because daydreaming about it…is most certainly, far better than the reality of having something so precious to lose, while awake.
If you ask me how I love him. I will say deeply and without any abandon. It is a love that knows no boundaries. It is the only love that my heart could simply not survive without. It is a love I would hike a million miles for, hitchhike with a stranger to find its destination and a love that I would wait forever for…not knowing the if, when or the how it would finally reach me.
This love encompasses every thought in my day and is my compass pointing north when the world leaves me at a loss for direction and certainty in my days. For as they say…”not all who wander are lost.” I find particular truth in this statement as it pertains to love and the connection of the heart and soul with another.
If our deeply protected secrets everyone knew… our love they would not understand and maybe not find permissible by the general standards of society. As you well know by now…by every measure of my life – societal standards and boundaries, I have never much preferred and the notion of running wild and free, together in the wind…of course, with you…calls to my soul in ways that simply must not be ignored.
Surely, every minute with you, is absolute bliss. The wanderlust of love and life, so frequently sought by those without… found behind the outer walls of our home and heart.
The moon rising every night, shadows in our bedroom from street lights outside… another day lived side by side, another set of secrets to whisper, from heads on pillows, legs intertwined, lips tangled in kiss after kiss…and another night of sleep and dreams after a simple “goodnight beautiful” heard from the start of our days and a marker of many years to come.
I love you a million times over. I love you without expectation, without fear, always and forever. In every one of our journey’s around the sun, I love you more, I like you more and I find a better version of myself because of you.
You are the person I want to ride every scary roller coaster beside. The one I want to stay up all night with, to see the sun rise the next day…and even the one I want to hold my hand and steady me when life causes me to fall…and I promise to do the same for you, when a life more difficult or trying, comes calling.
I love you. It’s always been you. Every single time you stand in the kitchen late at night, eating potstickers with me…buy me tickets to a hockey game or let me touch your nose when we play around…then I know it has always been me.